sex and literature.
Hiked Squaw Leap with Spencer yesterday. I loved the drive there and the hike was fun.
I’m incredibly sore right now from hiking yesterday. Squaw Leap is an amazing place. What I liked the most about hiking that place was how it almost felt like I was hiking to my grandfather’s house. He lived in Tanay, Rizal in the middle of all these bushes and trees there up in the mountains. Lovely. I miss the place so much and last night just made me miss it more.
pin me against the wall,
let the picture fall down, i touch the way
the sides of your bare skin felt, they are always
different, little hairs, your mouth full of
me, don’t let me go
don’t let me go,
Phone calls go unanswered, we used to be friends,
we used to go to dinners and laugh over
our dishes, the park with a bottle of red wine,
you used to not live remotely this close
inside of me
take the kitchen tables and combine them
as one; put my legs over your center,
tell me not to be nervous, tell me it’s okay,
i know it’s okay because i have known this forever,
i have studied the subtle hair beneath your chin
for ages, you are silver, you are a lake in the
middle of the desert, i would cry when you
leave, but i don’t because i
won’t let myself go again, i won’t let
the flowers stop blooming without you,
the need to bloom regardless,
i tell them that, they go on, i go on,
you go on, we go on, do we go on?
big explosions in my brain,
love drugs you laugh and say, you used to
drive me to places just for me to fall asleep
now all i want is the bed, a bed and you, a you and
a me and a gentle forehead kiss between you grazing
your hands over me as if i’m some sort of
masterpiece you’d paid a thousand bucks to
have hanging in my living room, your living room,
our living room
forgive me, you left me
i leave you, we just leave, you are gold,
a rain in a dry summer, you are the
angel that never came back from the
dead, you are
you are the flame that i could never start now now now
how am i ever going to put you out
There was this part I still hold onto until now. It’s a quiet one, something that I cannot replay to you unless you can see through my skull as I close my eyes. It’s a sweet one but not the kind you can mix sugary things together and taste. It’s a warm one but not something that you can easily find under the blankets during an afternoon nap. It’s with you and it’s something I wish I can remake by getting close to you. You’re here. You’re back here but everything is so very different now. I can no longer reciprocate anything you feel towards me and it’s a shame because I treated you as something that I’d die without. I attached myself and held onto you as strongly as I could. Then, you left and ever since then, I could no longer hold onto things any mightier than I did with you.
Now, I let everything go. Everything is faster. Always going. Always leaving. No hello’s and no goodbye’s. Everything, everyone, every moment slip through my fingers and I no longer feel the need to try and grasp them. I watch particles of these things I admire pass by me as if I’m playing with someone’s long silky hair. Coming and going. You were a particle i held onto with my index finger and thumb so tightly, gently, and carefully. I thought I would die without you but I survived. And I will survive again.
I want you to come home to me cooking us dinner. Then, you’ll kiss me then sigh and complain about work for a bit then tell me that you’re happy you’re with me. I want you to tell me that everything is better when you’re with me. I’ll run around the kitchen preparing you the best meal of your day and the smell itself will instantly make you smile. I want that smile. I want to be the eraser. I want to erase all the bad sketches of your day. Not perfect it but overshadow the bad. I want your arms around me, your kisses on top of my head as I lean my back on your chest and my lips just barely kissing your chin. Then, you’ll sit next to me even if we can sit right across each other. There will be no spaces between us at home. Our fingers always intertwining. Our eyes always searching maps on each other’s faces. Separate but together.
Animal Crossing New Leaf
Paul Baribeau is pretty cool.
i love you