VIOLENCE

I don’t need your help, alright? Let me face all my fears by myself. At the end, it’ll be worth it. It’ll just make be stronger.

So I guess I won’t be seeing you tomorrow. Do you know how empty I feel right now? I feel like a bottomless mud cup. I feel so empty and unclear at the same time. Last few months of trying to go to San Francisco was always to enjoy the city while holding your hands.

I feel sick, literally. I know I should be happy like a boat peacefully sailing but you’re the anchor that constantly pulls me down.

You’re always busy anyways. You don’t even want to make time for us that love you. What the fuck is this?! What the fuck happened to you? It just can’t be you always being right and us being always wrong. I want to make it work but I can sense that you don’t even care anymore. You’re so stubborn and hurtful but you do all that in silence. I can’t believe that through all this shit happening I still want to see you you. In fact, I still very much love you.

All I hope is for you to realize what we had.

I guess I won’t see you tomorrow.

I don’t even want to try to be happy anymore. That’s been far too impossible for me to be.

Maybe we’re meant to be broken anyways.

It’s not lying nor pretending. It’s just that you must learn that feelings, they can never really be put to words unless the listener himself experience it himself, that’s when he’ll understand. That’s when those words the hurt man said will come alive. 

I don’t even know what I want in my life right now, to be honest. Sometimes, I picture myself ten years from now. That’s when I start to think of what I really wanna be. 

I just want to be able do experience everything. I want to dance, to sing, to take photographs. And of course, I will do them for myself and for myself only.

I don’t know what I want in my life right now. Happiness is to overrated and sadness..sadness..hmm, I have that shit on me 24/7. When was the last time I was genuinely happy? Damn. 

Then, probably nothing will matter to me. I’ll just eat pizza and everything will be good like that one day. That one fucking day.

Does anybody wanna talk? :c

No one needs to hear any word from you, not even a sound, alright? 

Who are you? I don’t even know you anymore. One day, you’ll show up as this great friend that I can recall I say things to without any hesitation. I can summarize my whole life and you’ll be there to hear it patiently without any interruption. You’d be really nice to me offering comfort and kind words. 

But you change just like how this Fresno weather change every other day. You sicken me, you really do. Your smile, I can’t figure out if it’s real or not or maybe your red lipstick covers your chapped lips well enough so we can’t see your lies. 

I have forgiven you and your wrong doings so many times. Your annoyance sicken everybody but you go ahead and lie even more. You used us as if we’re toys that you can just ask to do favors. You obviously aren’t mature enough to even move out since your brain can’t even handle simple informations. 

The people that you call friends are just a bunch of phonies that got a lot of time to laugh with you. 

Stop using people and learn to appreciate. You say you’re mature. Words are easy to create and stitch together. Actions, however, take time to muster all the strength and knowledge to be done.

People like you make this world so ugly with your filthy mouth and lack of self-respect. You’re the epitome of everything a woman shouldn’t be. It’s a shame I’m aware of your existence. And you keep inventing ‘ingenious’ ways to keep running your mouth that got really nothing to say but your ignorant beliefs.

You are so embarrassing.

The dust that rest upon your oily cheeks put you more onto shame, girl. I suggest deep-conditioning your hair long enough so chemicals of realization would seep through your scalp and infuse a epiphany that will kick in as a slap.

‘You deserve a slap, not from me but from reality..’

No need to call you a ‘dumb bitch’ because I’m too creative to call you demeaning names. That’s all you are anyways: a dust of ignominy

I have tons of homework to do this week and yet, I’m still procrastinating. I have senior Math that I am not looking forward to doing because I do not like math and I’m not very good at it neither. I also have two packets of English to do which I am done half-way, fortunately. They’re all easy but the second packet is asking me to read 25 fucking pages with complete answers and shit. This is all due on Wednesday.

Plus, I have a online class that I’m way behind on. 

It’s all cool. I’m getting my three credits this week instead of the usual two. 

This is my ticket to graduating earlier. I really need to be focused which I’m obviously failing at. 

I’m pretty damn excited to see Jose again and meet his new roommate, Kyle. They said they’re moving closer to San Fran City College so we gotta take the BART there. Hopefully, I have enough money for everything, haha. I’m only bringing $30. I know, right? 

That’s all happening on Wednesday and I have to find excuses to venture but make it seem like I’m still in town. Just like what I did last time. 

I want the bay weather NOW.

I think I might be a bit late about this but I didn’t know that Antoine Dodson has a personal site. I was looking through it and also found out that he is gay, which is another thing that I’m probably late about too. Ha, I find him quite entertaining and how he’s already famous but still humble. 

jemimahb:

But I know you have to go. Man, I’ll miss you so much. It went by so quick. It feels like we just met yesterday: during lunch when you were rappin’ and I was playing my guitar practicing for my show. I remember it vividly. I want to repeat all the things we’ve gone through.

Million times, I want to repeat it, before goodbye.

Music made the way for us to meet. I’ll be forever grateful for that.

 I don’t talk about you to people that much. They never knew about you, about us. They must know though that you’re an amazing person. No one can ever compare to you. They don’t know that you’re the reason why I have a big smile. They don’t know that you’re the reason why I’m much braver, knowledgable, understanding and more mature that I ever was. You’re the reason why I’m hopeful.

Today in philosophy class, I learned about love. I thought of you. Eros, Philia and Agape. I feel like I’ve felt all different kind of affections between February and now. You made me feel different kinds of feelings I didn’t know I could ever feel. It’s very cliche: You made everything possible.

I tried pushing myself away from you only because I was ignorant and wasn’t thinking about your situation. You love me. I was very naive. It was very foolish of me to think that you don’t. That whole week I felt free. I didn’t think of you when I was out of the house. But when I get home and lay down on my bed, I—I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I needed you. I thought you was the reason I feel so inadequate when all you do is admire and love me and my body. I was the reason why I felt like that. I was jealous and envious. I was my own disease. You were the cure for the sickness I never spoke about to you. Somehow, even without words, you knew what to say. You healed me without me telling you what was wrong.

You looked at all my flaws and all the things I wasn’t proud of myself mentally, physically and emotionally. You looked at them and embraced them. You loved my body more than I loved it. You made me love myself.

I love you.

What happened to you? What happened to the D’Paul I used to know? 

I wish you knew how hurtful you are. 

You’re embarrassing yourself, miss. 

kennywins:

Stop crying over someone that don’t even got the time to listen to your sincerity. Stop listening to haters that probably don’t even got a life besides being intoxicated with alcohol and puke all over their bathroom. Instead, go out there and stretch your legs to walk the streets of San Francisco and have fun eating the best pizza while giggling and making fun of that bitch with sweaty upper-lip. Ride the BART to San Fran City College and visit your friend’s new apartment and maybe on Post st. we can get some Pearl’s.

There are so many people to meet and will be part of your life. This thing that you’re worrying about right now is just a phase. And, it might feel like everything’s ending, but truth is, you’re just starting another chapter of your life.

You’ll visit places you’ve never been before, make awesome music, sing your heart out to Lauryn Hill, fall in love, and fall out of love and find love again— you got a whole life, a amazing life, ahead of you. Don’t let this one bring you down; you got so much to look forward to.

When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll realize: You will be alright.

It’s all jealousy and envy. It’s your mistake to hate but hey, I’ll be the bigger person and step out of this. I forgive you.

Anyways, I’m bout to go outside and take pictures. Gonna go biking too. :)

juicyer:

Humans are by nature magnificently expressive creatures, we express ourselves in almost every aspect of our life from the way we walk, talk, and think. As we have seen throughout recorded history the human imagination has proved to be the most useful tool in our possession, why without it we wouldn’t even have tools or the word ‘tool’ for that mater. Everything we can see and feel is an extension of man’s vivid imagination. The thing is a great deal of people neglect their creativity they forget to nourish it, they see creating as something that can only be done by others well and that perhaps its not for them,forgetting that creativity in a sense, is them. We all have the ability to create wether it be a work of art or your morning breakfast. When we do something we “make” it happen. Only we often feel hindered, we put ourselves down for some odd reason when we know inherently that we deserve to be up. The majority feels self conscious about what they make as if their works weren’t good enough so they either don’t share it or they don’t bother to make it at all because of this mindset. Its important to know that its not ones fault however, its because society has inadvertently programmed us to second guess ourselves. Think back to when you were a child you colored, you sang, you danced, you drew and why? you were intent on seeing what “could” be done, simply because you could and because it was fun! You didn’t care who saw or heard because you did it for yourself you weren’t yet poisoned by the culture, you created your own culture and lived it. My creative process is more or less accidental. I go “out of my mind” so to speak. This is extremely important if you stay within the boundaries of your regular analytical thinking you’ll find yourself consuming erasers at a furious rate. I don’t think of what I should be drawing because nothing would get drawn i simply begin with a dot which transforms into a line and it evolves from there each pen stroke gives birth to the next. So in a sense I am my creations they’re as much a part of me as my soul and body. In layman’s terms i cannot stop creating because it would in turn mean the end of ME.

Listen to this guy.